Today there was a neighborhood parade. I knew several of the people there, and many said hello to me. Still, I found myself standing around with no one to talk to most of the time. One of the conversations ended with, “I gotta get a drink.”
I wish I understood social cues better and was more at ease.
Here I am, not uniquely, hot and tired. Unable to concentrate. Feeling the need to remove myself from interacting. My son has taken the brunt of my exhaustion and lack of patience today. I am not the mama I want to be today. I will find forgiveness, nonetheless.
I’ve been reflecting on my conversations in the last two days. They included trying to persuade staffers in two Senators’ offices to help host an event for the PAC on whose board I serve. I also talked with my therapist about how, when I was in elementary school, the new girl in school apologetically beat me up to prove that she was okay.
These things are not unrelated. I’m still trying to find my place on the playground. Mostly, I don’t feel like I belong there. But, I keep trying.
Today, I am wondering whether I will ever break out of the insecurities and the immaturity that hold me back. Will I ever feel right enough?
If I were going to write on an ongoing basis here again, what would I say?
Back to work.
I’m told I went to high school with Mo’nique. (She had two names back then.) Can’t say I actually recognize her from her photo in our yearbook.
I only know this because another high school friend revealed that Mo’nique used to bring her to tears on a regular basis in drama class, teasing her mercilessly for being… Fat.
Butternut, up since 5 am, fell asleep on the bathroom floor while I was showering. I don’t have anywhere to be, and, except for my numbing butt, I feel little urgency to leave.
It’s kind of nice, actually. Quiet and warm, with Internet access (at least while this battery remains charged) and some pretty good reading material.
What do they say? People plan, G-d laughs. (it sounds better in Yiddish: Mensch lacht, G- tt lacht.)